Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?