Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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“i am a sweet baby”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Someone just threatened to call me later
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.