Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Scream sneezers need love too.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.