TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
liiiiiiiiike
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
This headline is a thing of beauty
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?