“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday