After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
live, laugh, laundry.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache