Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome