I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!