Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope