I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Aaaa…CHOO!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix