Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I’m literally crying
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots