Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I feel seen.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
me hitting on a model
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.