You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Breaking news:
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”