What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
You Might Also Like
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”