Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.