them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.