Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
You Might Also Like
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*looks at you in batman voice*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Am I having a stroke?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
True
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”