I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot