Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.