My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
i meant to share this earlier