You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ