devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.