My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!