can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.