This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500