Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
every. time.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.