My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
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Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.