How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno