What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
You Might Also Like
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
i really liked this one
lost dog
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
no!! no!!!!!!
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Cake!!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.