I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
True statement👍😏😁
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great