Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
X-tra spooky blend
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.