My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
how much for the angry fruit?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.