everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me too door. Me too.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.