Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“I FIXED IT!”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
For anyone who needs this today
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?