[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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Ron is short for Aaronald
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.