My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date