When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.