I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Meow
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.