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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I needed a laugh this morning.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me: