Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
B
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
This is so me 😂😂
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…