Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Aaaa…CHOO!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.