My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”