I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
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My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt