bears
You Might Also Like
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine