Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My what?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.