Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
ready to be harvested
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.