Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Happy Friday
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”