Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I identify as an antique shop.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Day 2 of my diet
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.