Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail