The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.